“Anyways,” continued Darcy, “I ask Roopirt why he needs this Total Gym so fucking bad, and he starts telling me about this fuckin’ chick who works at Showgirls. Doesn’t have a name for her - just keeps callin’ her ‘yer Chick-Wit’-Yer-Big-Jugs’. And he needs to work out if he wants to get with her.
         “And I just fucking lost it. ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ I told him, ‘You drag me through all this bullshit tonight and all because you want to impress a fucking stripper?! Take me home.’ I told him, ‘Take me home, right fucking now!’
         “And Roopirt gets all sad and shit ‘cause I yelled at him, but by this time, it’s fucking 3:30 already and I just didn’t give a shit. So, he goes to turn the car around and, as he’s making his U-turn, he’s so fucking drunk, he crashes it into into the ditch. And get this - it’s a swamp.”
         “You’re kidding,” said Rod.
         “I’m not fucking kidding,” said Darcy, “We had that Cavalier waist fucking deep in muskeg. And Roopirt Pasqal turns his orange-mulleted head at me and says,
         “‘Say there, Darcy. Seems we’s got the car stuck agin. Ya mind gettin’ out an’ give’n me a push?’
         “And I was about to just lay it into him, but then I’m just blinded by these fucking headlights shining in the mirrors. And I can see, like, the shadow of somebody getting out and they come up to the car and just start fucking hauling on the Total Gym. Like, trying to get it out of the trunk.
         “So, I’m like what the fuck?, right? So, I open the sunroof and poke my head out, and I’m like, ‘Hey, what the fuck are you doing?’
         “And it’s Eddie Bennet’s old lady. She fucking followed us. So, me and Roopirt, right, crawl out of the windows. And by the time we get our asses out of the fucking swamp, she’s already got the Total Gym thrown into the back of her truck. And, honestly, this broad is so fucking fat, I didn’t think she even used the damn thing. But she was throwing this big-ass Total Gym around like it was a goddamn whiffle ball. But I yelled at her, right?
         “‘Hey bitch, give it up. My friend here paid his hard earned cash for that thing!’”
         “Yeah, and what’d she say?” said Rod, laughing.
         Darcy shrugged, “She just stuck her finger out the window and yelled ‘Fuck you!’ and then peeled out. And all the while, Roopirt’s just standing there with this sad look on his face.
         “And, you know, right then, I couldn’t help but feel bad for the guy. So I slap my hand on his shoulder and say, ‘I think it’s time for another beer, buddy.’
         “He nodded and we cracked another couple cold ones.”
         “And did you wind up gettin’ the car outta the bog?” asked Todd.
         “Fuck.” said Darcy, “We tried pushing that thing out for, like, an hour, but it wouldn’t fucking budge. Finally, we just said, ‘Fuck it’ and started walking back to Roopirt’s place in Fort Frankforp, ‘cause, by then, we were so fucking far down Tower Road it was closer than walking back to town. Of course, we took the cooler along so we could drink along the way, ‘cause it was still a good half hour walk.
         “Anyways, we finally make it to Roopirt’s trailer and we sit down for another beer, and Roopirt’s still goin’ on about this fucking Total Gym.
         “‘I’s had to cut down twenny o’ yer trees to afford that there toadel gym,’ he was sayin’, and he goes, ‘Now, haw’s am I gonna get wit’ yer Chick-Wit’-Yer-Big-Jugs?’
         “And at this point, I’m not mad anymore. Now I’m at that stage when you’re drunk, you know, when you get all sentimental, right? So I fucking confided with him.